Saturday, June 28, 2008

These Things: They do Happen

... until you stoppa these things from 'appening, THIS thing does not 'appen!

Of course that last part... I just had to finish the line, it has NOthing to do with what I talk about today.

These things DO happen, though. As soon as you think it's going one way, the wind changes direction. Isn't that how it goes? This life thing. That's okay, though, I can roll with it. If there's ANYTHING I've learned in 39 years, it's how to roll with it. I don't mean roll with the punches, either, because when those come, I duck and THEN roll. =)

I just have to keep telling myself (and listening when others say) "It's going to be okay." I know it will be, one way or another. It's just that not everyone fights fair in these happenings, and I guess that's to be expected. Of course they are doing what they think is right, I just don't agree. In spite of that, we all know that retaliation is never the answer, so I'm trying my best to take the high road, if I have one of those available to me... I'm no angel. Maybe it's an upper middle class road? Or a middle middle class road, which ever one I can reach. I must keep my wits about me, though, and I'm doing fairly well at that. (sorta) hahaha

I feel greedy asking for the same thing every time from y'all, but the support from all of you really helps, so I keep asking.

On a separate note, I haven't found my camera, but I did find an old one that I can use, well maybe, if I can find the proper USB cables. It's something, anyway =)

In knitting news, I ripped the sock I started all the way out. I don't need it for my boot, after all. Mainly because it's too hot to wear the boot, and I think my ankle is healing fairly well just being wrapped nice and tight in the ace bandage. Don't worry, I wore the boot a LONG time and it really helped. It's still pretty sore, but I'm being super careful, too. So I put a different skein in my little bag, because plain old cream color is not happy to knit in this frame of mind, I need happy colors, so that's what I picked. I'll roll it into two balls and possibly do a two by magic loop thing, if I can find all the right tools =) I'm not sure I have dpns in zero? I think that's the size of the circ I'm using - guess I should check that, eh?

Well gonna get back to the kiddos, I'll HOPEFULLY be posting some pics soon, don't give up on my blog, please, things will get back to normalish fairly soonish =) Love you guys! (and gals for all the people not accustomed to that saying that is meant to be all inclusive - like from the Electric Company back in the 70's - ahahahahahaaaaa)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Something About the Status Quo

It's sorta weird how once you take the pressure and expectations out of a relationship, things get better. Not that it changes anything this time, I just think it's interesting in my case. It was really looking like things were going to get ugly, but now it seems more calm and reasonable. Hopefully it'll stay that way.

The thing is, I really hate not knowing what lies ahead. Of course no one ever knows what lies ahead, but when things are mostly normal... you sort of have an idea of where you are headed. I guess that's the thing, not knowing exactly where I'm headed. I'm not worried about finding a job, I can always do that, I have qualifications out the wazzooo. It's all that other stuff. Lots of stuff in the air and I don't have any idea, much less control, over where it all lands.

On Sunday, I drove out to my SIL's house to get my car fixed. (BIL is an amazing mechanic) They happen to live in an area where my dad used to live. The place he had out there holds almost all the good memories I have with him. When he lived there, we (my brother and I) saw him every two weeks. It was really nice, because the rest of the time it was more like every 4 to 6 years. Sometimes it was years between phone calls. Sort of a sickly/sad relationship when I look back, but when he was in Graham, we were good. I was too young to really know the way around out there, but that didn't/doesn't keep me from looking for his house around every turn when I'm driving around.

It was a long long driveway, back to a humble house, with cattle guards at the road, and abandoned chicken house and a horse pasture. Across the road was what I called a mountain, really it was just a very steep and large hill, sort of like a plateau on the top.

Almost all the houses and driveways fit this description, lol. I still don't think I saw it, but one of these days I'd like to go down that driveway again and look at the house, see if there are horses in the pasture, or chickens in the chicken yard. When you don't have a whole lot of great memories about someone or with them, you really tend to cling to whatever good you had. At the same time, the bad memories do surface, but once that person is gone, the bad memories don't hurt as much as you miss them. I'm glad I went through most of those issues already with professional guidance (aka my therapist - I love that guy, in a non gross way, of course - lol)

Anyway, it was weird being out there and knowing I couldn't call my dad to ask him where it was that he lived when he was out there. It's just weird all the way around. The whole situation is pretty weird. Well, he was a pretty weird guy, when you think about it that way, too. Past weird, actually, but I don't really want to focus on that right now.

Well, I'm off to see if I hurt my ankle whilst mowing the yard. Sounds dangerous, but I know if I don't do it, no one will and it will just get worse and worse until the cows come home and start grazing in my yard. Or maybe a goat. That would be bad because a goat would eat my flowers, too. hmmm, so would the cows. I better go mow, then =)

"Keep on keeping on"
.... that's what my dad used to always say.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Still Kicking =)

Hey gals and guys! I just wanted to let y'all know that I am doing ok. My new meds are MUCH better than what I was on before. The drug interaction thing coincided with some major life decisions on my part and a major communication breakdown ensued. So... I'll be one of those statistics 1 in every 2 fails thing. (that I was determined not to be included in but now am after much deliberation and yucky stuff that I won't detail here out of respect for the innocent)

ANYway.... I'm still knitting on my bamboo/cotton/nylon sock for my 3D boot, I'm thinking that my ankle will be healed before the sock is even half finished - but hey, at least I've got mindless st st on the go and I like how the yarn feels. Win/win! =)


Also... unfortunately *sigh* while I was in the hospital for 13 days (long time I know, but I LIKE it there! really - they cook and I get to learn stuff from professionals = good) somewhere about 2/3's of the way through I learned that my dad and his wife had tragically died. Again, the details are just too awful for this blog's poor ears (and mine, too, frankly, I really don't want to know yet)

Did I say something about changing and rearranging a few posts ago? WHY do I do that to myself, eh? YUCK

So, I'm still pretty much in shock. I've done, denial, anger and some grief, but I haven't scratched the surface yet. (thank GOD for good therapists! Mine is good, and it's nice)

While I was gone a bunch of people cleaned my house and my camera is.... somewhere ? ? ? I don't know, lol - cleaning frenzies are like that, as I WELL know, so it was great help, I just can't find anything (haha) Which means, of course NO PICTURES! ARGH!

Anyway, I just wanted to keep you informed to some degree of what sort of oddness I'm up to at the moment, I'm surprisingly alright for the moment, a little/sometimes a lot, stressed, but managing decently well, thanks to good help and great friends. Hopefully I can post again mid week next or so, okay? Hang in here with me please, it's a bit up and down, but it'll level out soon enough. (i hope i hope i hope i hope)

love y'all!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Well.... that was a long time

Hey everyone, sorry for the leave of absence. It's one of those long embarrassing stories, so you can be sure I'll be sharing it with y'all pretty soon =)) I ended up back in rehab, this time for about 13 days. It was okay once I finally got there, and I have even more tools to fight my disorder, and better medication, and less stressing about the things (and people/person) who tend to get under my skin and bother me. SO.... it may be a bit, um..... quiet in here for a bit longer. I have the slightest suspicion that I'm being tracked now as to my internet activity. Not 100% sure, but it would be the next logical step in how things have been going. Of course, I have nothing to hide (mostly) hahaha so it's not a super big deal, if there is some sort of key stroke recorder on here, it's just the newest chapter in how things can fall apart when people no longer trust each other. That is, of course if I'm right, and I don't know if I am or not. Just a sneakin suspicion, that's all.

I don't think I ever went into the stories of how I spin out before. Suffice it to say that I've been trying to extricate myself from a certain situation (any guesses?) and the other party has been very resistant. I don't take too kindly to power tripping and 20 questions and play by play what did you do today and how many cents did you spend here and there and what did you buy..... you get the picture (or not, and I can explain it later) Anyway, this sort of behavior is hard for me to cope with and has actually contributed to me have an actual mental illness that I never had until I spun out the first time (January '07) So now I have to admit that I have Bi-Polar disorder (I wonder if the polar bears take offense at that?) I never really wanted to admit it, because it hasn't always been true. I thought that once I healed enough, I'd be the "old me" again. Well apparently the damage has been done, and I HAVE to be medicated now to be SURE I stay stable. This I can handle. I've been medicated for a while, but now it's more simple. One mood stabilizer that also makes me drowsy - JUST right. Sleep and stability.

I wasn't UN-medicated when I spun out this time, the stress had just gotten SO out of hand, and the communication barriers were pretty much insurmountable. Things are civil now, but not right, and I'm pretty sure things will be coming to an end. This is fine with me, I've needed to resolve this issue for a year and a half. It's a bit scary, but I think things will be mostly okay. I feel for those who are going to ultimately be hurt by this situation, but I can't continue to sacrifice my health, sanity and well being to make everyone else happy. I have to take care of ME now (which is what I was thinking I was doing before) and that means major changes in the nearish future.

Oh yeah, I have a wicked sprain on my left ankle that I got in rehab while playing volley ball in shoes that are too lose. I was celebrating a little too hard, because is was an AWESOME game =) It looks much worse than it is, though, bruising like I've never seen bruising before - pretty ugly.

The sprain brings me to my knitting, since I need a long bamboo sock under my 3d boot (which feels WONderful after being messed up for 3 days without one) So I'm going to get trucking on the sock I started. Maybe I'll have a pic or two in a couple of days.

My garden is doing well, I missed the major blooming of the purple roses, there was like 50 blooms! Oh well, back to pruning for next time =)

Take care peoples! ttyl