Why is that, do you think? You can explain and explain one point, repeatedly, from every angle you can think of, as gently and dipomatically as you can, but it doesn't matter. They say they understand, but in a few days or weeks there they are, asking you the same question that you have tearfully, tediously, tormentedly and totally layed out before them in every manner thinkable.
How does that happen? I really don't know. The only thing I can think of, is that the answer given is not what said questioner wants to hear, so it cannot be accepted. This may be the case. This may not. It does puzzle me greatly as how to answer, yet again, the same question. The only thing I can think of at this point is not to answer at all. This goes against every fiber of my being, since I like to provide a sensible reason for any part of my behavior.
Not that every behavior I have behaved makes sense, hardly. I've done some stupid crap. In fact, it's the ceasing of the stupid crap I did that seems to be unexplicable. Negative behaviors stopped, explained, re-explained and reformed, this cannot seem to be accepted.
It's vague, I know, I think most of you have an idea, since I've hinted at it previously that while I was separated from my husband (though we co-existed in the same house) that I had another interest in play. It really seemed like a good idea at the time, it seemed all perfect and seemed to answer all my longed for needs and wishes. It seemed to be lots of things it wasn't - that's what they call "love heroine". It's that initial rush of feeling that washes over you so strongly that it can barely be resisted. I will say this - the feelings were real, they were substantial, they were lots of things. However, there were obstacles, as well. Gigantic, hulking, mountain ranges of obstacles. These obstacles were promised to be fixed, of course, that's how the brain works, or rather, ceases to work whilst in the grips of "love heroine". None of these obstacles were got over. They were the types of things I had no control over, only to be controlled by their owner.
These things were big enough that I knew, until they were fixed, my children could never be in the presence of that person. I couldn't expose them to those sorts of things. Why was it okay to expose me to those sorts of things? I don't have a good answer to that question, other than, I thought that eventually it would be ok. It wasn't.
Still, I was expected to accept and commit to completely, before the obstacles had been removed. They were, in fact, getting worse, and I had to finally draw the conclusion that though it was a beautiful fantasy, that's all it was. There would never be 'employment'. There would never be 'free of addiction'. There could never be 'respect for my faith without criticism'. The list of the ways and circumstances needed for a stable family that could/would never be were pretty much endless.
It wasn't to be, and I had to make a desicion, to find my way back to self-respect and for me, repentance. I found it, I did what I had to do to get myself back to myself, and to my faith. This was the basis of my decision. It had nothing to do with anyone else, nothing to do with any other interest, there was none. Absolutely none.
In fact, my decsion to try again, once I was asked to do so by my husband, was some length of time later. The two things had absolutely no bearing on each other. The fact of the matter is, that had my husband and I gone through with our divorce, I would STILL be single right now. I would STILL not be with that other person or anyone else for that matter. PERIOD
So I said I wouldn't explain it, and there I did again. The thing is, I know that most of you will understand this, and whether I sink in your opinion because of being candid about this.... I get it. I sank in my own opinion for a while, too.
That's the thing. RIGHT there. No one who loves you more than they love themselves will sink you in your own opinion. It's harsh, I admit, but that's how I feel about the perspective I have gained from my own experiences.
If it could have just been let go, back when I said, "Let go, please." I would have memories to look back on with a tast of bitter-sweet. Unfortunately, it's starting to just be bitter now, exhausting, repellant and sad. So once again I say, why is this so difficult to understand?
It's a rare occurance, apparently that this person reads this blog, any more. But on the offchance... here it is, yet one more public explanation that can be referrenced for the future to posterity and beyond. I refuse to speak of this again, by any means available. If my phone rings it will not be answered. If a message is left, it will be deleted before it reaches my ears. If a letter is sent, it will be shredded. If an email is received, it will go in the trash and then erased.
So, yes, NOTHING was the accusation and NOTHING is what you get, and NOTHING is what I want and if NOTHING is what you want to be, than so beit, it has NOTHING to do with me. NOTHING to times indefinite, even forever.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I haven't abandoned blogging. I'm doing well, it's just the beginning of the school year and we are all adjusting to a new schedule. I'm doing an absurd amount of cleaning and absolutely no knitting. My job is awesome, not because of how many people I see, but because of the change and relief that can be affected with Massage Therapy. I love it. =)
I have been taking pictures, growing lots of okra, one eggplant and a few very bitter cucumbers along with two small watermelons. On the whole the garden is a spectacular failure, but it's ok, because I'll do better next year. I have successfully grown some very tall grass though, which verily needs chopped down.
Oh, yeah, also lots of reading and photography and boring stuff that doesn't much lend to blogging.
We've had several gorgeous sunsets lately that are pretty enough to share, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties. I had to change my admin password because I forgot some complicated caps no caps something or other and now my 'keychain' password is giving me grief. SO, I'll figure that out when I'm less tired.
I'll be teaching someone to knit Saturday, if I feel better (been a little fluish) so I should have something to show soon enough. ttyl