3 Weekends and a Monkey

Ok, there's no monkey, but monkeys always cheer me up. It's been a series of tiring weekends, though.

1st weekend I drove 3 hours North East to move my brother to a new town, job and situation. It's a good move for him and I'm happy for him. Of course the kiddos were sad and they cried for 30 minutes on the way home. On that Saturday, I learned that one of my favorite people was in the hospital and not doing well. The town he and his wife live in is probably 2 1/2 hours South of where I was and then another 3 hours home. So I decided to make the trip the next weekend.

The 2nd weekend came around, and we (the kids and I again) drove the 3 hours East to go see this favorite person of mine, who is by this time, in hospice. Yeah, totally not good. So we, my best friend and I go see my person. It was really sad, because he hardly resembled himself, but I talked to him and joked with him for a while. His mind and humor were completely intact, in spite of how tired he was. His room was full of family, some I knew and some I didn't. I'm not related to him but one of his daughters was married to someone I've known since I was a kid, who later became part of my step-family. (but that's a side point) The way he became one of my favorite people is a sweet story, though. When I was about 20/21 or so, my other best friend and I were looking for a place to rent together. We had always planned to be room-mates. Well, somehow we heard that someone in our congregation had a little trailer on their place and they might consider renting it out. I say little, but really it was pretty roomy for two girls with hardly any stuff. 3 bedrooms and 1 1/2 bath. It was the wife, who was in our congregation, and her husband wasn't so we didn't know him. In spite of that, we did all our dealing with him and I don't really know what it was about him that both of us fell in love with (not in a gross way, b/c he is older than both of our dads) but he had this mischievous twinkle in his eyes and such a cute funny smile. Anyway, after talking to him a while and looking at how much work we would have to do to the place, he gave us the price he thought fair. To be totally honest, we thought it was fair, too, but we still needed to think about it and talk about before we'd give him a certain 'yes' or 'no' answer. I think we were about to get in the car to go, and he chased us down and said he'd forgotten about some certain little detail and said he would rent it to us for THIS amount instead of the one we had talked about just a few minutes ago. We didn't quite understand how his calculations came down after he remembered that, because it would actually have added to the cost, but come down it did, and we totally jumped on it, in case he might come to his senses and change his mind. I think though, that he fell in love with us, too, and that he just wanted to rent it to us. It was such a sweet deal, I'm almost embarrassed, thinking back, at how cheap it really was. We fixed up that trailer like mad, we painted it all kinds of crazy colors and loved it with all our hearts. He took really good care of us, if anything was the slightest bit broken, he noticed it and fixed it before we ever knew about it. We really loved living there and getting to know him and we had such fun teasing him and joking around with him. He even named a cow for each of us! LOL - that was a privilege reserved for his grandkids, and nieces and nephews, and it was a very serious business in their family, because if anyone got left out, well, they were VERY upset over it. At that time (and I know this paragraph is waxing on past the realms of grammar's rules, but bear with me, it's a weekend theme) my best friend and I were both full time ministers, basically like domestic missionaries - which means we tried to spend 90 hours a month going out knocking on doors trying to encourage people and doing bible studies with those who wanted them. I already mentioned, he wasn't in the habit of coming to our congregation, but his wife had been a member a long time. Well, my best friend and I had parts in the meetings sometimes, and we'd beg him to come see. And of course he'd fit spit (figuratively) and be cantankerous and give us trouble. However, we eventually softened him up and got him to come here and there. Then we'd have parts at bigger Assemblies and then we'd really lay on the sugar and spice and everything nice to get him to come to see those parts, because they really are few and far between. And he came and listened. Well, longer story a little less long. We both at different times found ourselves called away from there, but he kept on going to the meetings and assemblies and eventually he came on into the congregation. I'm not saying it was because of us, but I know we helped him along part of the way. So all in all, he's a really special guy for us - for me, and I really love him and his family. --- So back to the present. I saw him Saturday for about an hour and a half or so, and he was really needing some rest. His family, all but two, had been filtering out during that time, and were coming back in the morning. So at the end of our visit it was me, my other best friend, and him, his wife and one of his daughters (and a tiny little dog she takes with her everywhere, cute cute thing) Well, I thought he needed some sleep, so I kissed him on the head and told him goodbye. Somewhere between 11 and 12:30 that night, he passed away, so I had just gotten there in the nick of time. It was really really sad, but I was very VERY glad to have seen him and spoken to him one last time.

The 3rd weekend rolls around and we drive back, to attend his memorial service, which was Friday. It was really a nice service, and I spoke some more with his wife and daughters and spent the weekend just unwinding with my best friend. (not the one from the story above, my other one) I didn't mention in the 2nd weekend's story, though, that this best friend and her family are moving to another state VERY soon, so I'm sad and happy about that, as well. Sad for me, and happy for them. They really need a change, too, and I'm glad they are able to make one happen.

So that's the last three weekends, summed up, there's a little more, to the 3rd weekend than what's written that's I'm leaving out - suffice it to say when it rains it pours and I cry

Cleverness Escapes Me

It's been a whole month since I posted anything, mainly because nothing has really been going on. I've been reading lots. I decided to read the collective works of the Brontë sisters. I think the only book I don't have yet (not sure) is the book of poetry that they collaborated to write under their pseudonyms Currer, Ellis and Acton Bell. Well, they used those names for all their books. So far I have really enjoyed the reading. The only problem is having a very limited knowledge of French, since Charlotte interjects entire conversations in French quite without warning throughout all of her novels. This is only an issue when I'm reading away from the Internet and my awesome find of an online translator.

In addition to collecting all the Brontë novels, I also grabbed up all the L M Montgomery and Laura Ingalls Wilder works as well. A person needs a little light reading between Brontës. These last two collections are for my daughter's library - eventually. The plan is that we read them together, a chapter or two before bedtime a couple times a week.

It's cold this week, so my fancy may be turning towards knitting soon, hopefully. I guess I shouldn't let it bother me when I'm not in the mood to knit - I only hit a serious lull every couple of years. I haven't done this much reading in a long time, so.... it's a trade off. We all go through lulls, ebbs and waves of activity and moods. Dips and swells of life and changes. We easily get caught up in the processing part of the changes which can be counterproductive. Our feelings aren't always a result of what we think, but of what we do. Actions really do speak louder than words. I'm not really heading towards any profound point, just something I wanted to tell myself, I guess. =)

If this all sounds a little odd, it's because I'm trying to think and type through a thinly veiled migraine. Anyway, the idea is in there, it just isn't being communicated so clearly. I think I'll just eat my pot pie, now - mmmmmm

Who is your favorite author?

Of Airplanes and Minnesota

So, I didn't get the sweater finished in time for my trip to Minnesota, but that's ok since I didn't have room for much in my carry on. My youngest sister and I had a great time, it's our first trip together! It was a beautiful little adventure, the leaves were perfect shades of Autumn. I didn't get many pictures, because my camera was on the fritz. Bad timing, right? Plus we were on the go most of the time, but not so much that we were rushing here and there. A perfect little mini-break on the whole.

The wedding was beyond elegance itself and one of the most fun I've ever attended. Several of the women in the groom's family are candy makers and darn good ones. The center pieces were all edible pretzels dipped in chocolate or white chocolate lollipops shaped like tulips and roses and pretty things like that. There were also home-made cherry cordials and the punch was really great. One of their friends works at Starbucks and saved up all their employee discount coffee and donated it to the reception. Vunderbar!

Our return flight(s) were hilarious. One of our other sisters acquired some buddy passes on one of the airlines, so we had free tickets, even if that means the lowest of the low standby. Our flights to Minnesota hardly seemed standby at all. We boarded both flights just fine. The return trip was very different. We were bumped so many times, I sorta lost count. It was rather hilarious, actually. It's not like we were going to complain, right? Our tickets were FREE, so we rolled with the punches, enjoyed our time in our connecting cities of Chicago and St. Louis and routed ourselves round about to Dallas via Houston. You see, getting to Dallas directly from Chicago or St. Louis on a Monday is next to impossible when you are so low on the totem pole, but Houston is a much less popular destination. Houston to Dallas our flight only had 32 people on it, so we all spread out. All and all, our airports experience on Monday started about 6:30ish, since we arrived in plenty of time for our first scheduled flight that was to depart at 8:15. By the time we made it to Dallas, it was past 9 pm! We laughed at ourselves and our predicament all day. On the very last flight, from Houston to Dallas, I ordered myself a Scotch. The flight attendant asked, "On the rocks?" and I replied, "No rocks, please." "Straight up?!" "Yes, it's been a very long day." "Yeah, I can tell, you deserve it! hahaha"

and I verily did.

Autumn in Texas

OH, it's wonderfully chilly today. It's been an actual Autumn here for the first time in many a year. We actually had a cool day on the first day of Fall, and it's turned dow
n right windy and rainy and cold. This means I actually feel like knitting for real. I think I'll break out my sweater and finish it so I'll have something warm and new to wear when I go to Minnesota next week. (that is if plans pan out the way they are laid for now) I have a cousin getting married next week and I'm hoping to go. I guess that means I'd better get to work on it.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my last post/rant, I appreciate your support and encouragement. I may take some of it down at some point, depending on how I feel about it.

It just so happens, knit-wise, that I have accomplished something. My niece walked up to me and said, "Will you make me a poepoe hat?" and how could I say no? So I made a poepoe hat with a pink ball and have a very happy niece to show for it.

I haven't finished the socks I started way back when, but I'm sure I will after the sweater is done. I guess I have a tiny little snag getting to the next step since I haven't done a gusset heel in this direction. It's just a matter of getting the book out and following the directions. When I am in the mood to read and knit, instead of reading OR knitting, I'll get to it. =)

Hopefully I'll have some more to show next post, and hopefully it'll be pretty soon. Things are on the upswing, here at home. It gets a little better every day in some small way. Slow progress is better than the quick stuff, I think, it has more of a lasting quality. What's the saying? Slow and steady wins the race and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it. (for the record, I don't think smoking is a good idea, I just sorta like the irony of that expression)

eta: btw I taught another person to knit today - don't know how many that makes now, but it's getting to be up close to 10 or so - yippee ky yaaay

Some People Just Don't Get It

Why is that, do you think? You can explain and explain one point, repeatedly, from every angle you can think of, as gently and dipomatically as you can, but it doesn't matter. They say they understand, but in a few days or weeks there they are, asking you the same question that you have tearfully, tediously, tormentedly and totally layed out before them in every manner thinkable.

How does that happen? I really don't know. The only thing I can think of, is that the answer given is not what said questioner wants to hear, so it cannot be accepted. This may be the case. This may not. It does puzzle me greatly as how to answer, yet again, the same question. The only thing I can think of at this point is not to answer at all. This goes against every fiber of my being, since I like to provide a sensible reason for any part of my behavior.

Not that every behavior I have behaved makes sense, hardly. I've done some stupid crap. In fact, it's the ceasing of the stupid crap I did that seems to be unexplicable. Negative behaviors stopped, explained, re-explained and reformed, this cannot seem to be accepted.

It's vague, I know, I think most of you have an idea, since I've hinted at it previously that while I was separated from my husband (though we co-existed in the same house) that I had another interest in play. It really seemed like a good idea at the time, it seemed all perfect and seemed to answer all my longed for needs and wishes. It seemed to be lots of things it wasn't - that's what they call "love heroine". It's that initial rush of feeling that washes over you so strongly that it can barely be resisted. I will say this - the feelings were real, they were substantial, they were lots of things. However, there were obstacles, as well. Gigantic, hulking, mountain ranges of obstacles. These obstacles were promised to be fixed, of course, that's how the brain works, or rather, ceases to work whilst in the grips of "love heroine". None of these obstacles were got over. They were the types of things I had no control over, only to be controlled by their owner.

These things were big enough that I knew, until they were fixed, my children could never be in the presence of that person. I couldn't expose them to those sorts of things. Why was it okay to expose me to those sorts of things? I don't have a good answer to that question, other than, I thought that eventually it would be ok. It wasn't.

Still, I was expected to accept and commit to completely, before the obstacles had been removed. They were, in fact, getting worse, and I had to finally draw the conclusion that though it was a beautiful fantasy, that's all it was. There would never be 'employment'. There would never be 'free of addiction'. There could never be 'respect for my faith without criticism'. The list of the ways and circumstances needed for a stable family that could/would never be were pretty much endless.

It wasn't to be, and I had to make a desicion, to find my way back to self-respect and for me, repentance. I found it, I did what I had to do to get myself back to myself, and to my faith. This was the basis of my decision. It had nothing to do with anyone else, nothing to do with any other interest, there was none. Absolutely none.

In fact, my decsion to try again, once I was asked to do so by my husband, was some length of time later. The two things had absolutely no bearing on each other. The fact of the matter is, that had my husband and I gone through with our divorce, I would STILL be single right now. I would STILL not be with that other person or anyone else for that matter. PERIOD

So I said I wouldn't explain it, and there I did again. The thing is, I know that most of you will understand this, and whether I sink in your opinion because of being candid about this.... I get it. I sank in my own opinion for a while, too.

That's the thing. RIGHT there. No one who loves you more than they love themselves will sink you in your own opinion. It's harsh, I admit, but that's how I feel about the perspective I have gained from my own experiences.

If it could have just been let go, back when I said, "Let go, please." I would have memories to look back on with a tast of bitter-sweet. Unfortunately, it's starting to just be bitter now, exhausting, repellant and sad. So once again I say, why is this so difficult to understand?

It's a rare occurance, apparently that this person reads this blog, any more. But on the offchance... here it is, yet one more public explanation that can be referrenced for the future to posterity and beyond. I refuse to speak of this again, by any means available. If my phone rings it will not be answered. If a message is left, it will be deleted before it reaches my ears. If a letter is sent, it will be shredded. If an email is received, it will go in the trash and then erased.

So, yes, NOTHING was the accusation and NOTHING is what you get, and NOTHING is what I want and if NOTHING is what you want to be, than so beit, it has NOTHING to do with me. NOTHING to times indefinite, even forever.

Just So You Know =)

I haven't abandoned blogging. I'm doing well, it's just the beginning of the school year and we are all adjusting to a new schedule. I'm doing an absurd amount of cleaning and absolutely no knitting. My job is awesome, not because of how many people I see, but because of the change and relief that can be affected with Massage Therapy. I love it. =)

I have been taking pictures, growing lots of okra, one eggplant and a few very bitter cucumbers along with two small watermelons. On the whole the garden is a spectacular failure, but it's ok, because I'll do better next year. I have successfully grown some very tall grass though, which verily needs chopped down. 

Oh, yeah, also lots of reading and photography and boring stuff that doesn't much lend to blogging. 

We've had several gorgeous sunsets lately that are pretty enough to share, but I'm experiencing technical difficulties. I had to change my admin password because I forgot some complicated caps no caps something or other and now my 'keychain' password is giving me grief. SO, I'll figure that out when I'm less tired. 

I'll be teaching someone to knit Saturday, if I feel better (been a little fluish) so I should have something to show soon enough. ttyl

Finished Baby Blanket!

My brother finished the baby blanket yesterday, washed and laid it out to dry. Here is the finished product.

His friends as it turned out, kept him too busy to finish it when he went to visit them. He did get to show it to them. He laid it out on their carpet when she was out of the room, and when she came back in, she started squealing =) perfect reaction! 

Bask ye in it's awesomeness =) my bro rocks!!

eta - oh yeah, we have hatchlings!