you know how I feel.
I meant these pictures to be in reverse sequence, rather than how they appear. Knitting first, personal stuff last. However, since blogger refuses to do their uploads in a way that takes less deliberate thought, we will just go with the flow today, because my head hurts.
This is an orchid. I bought it for myself at a grocery store. They are a visual reminder of a sort of promise I made to myself. Putting into exact words is a bit difficult. It has something to do with a certain repulsion I feel when I receive cut flowers as an apology. EVER. When it's on the heels of a ridiculous act of vindictive power tripping, let's just say, that if I didn't feel sorry for the flowers they would have met the garbage disposal. It's the same stupid story as before, and deep down, I think I knew it would be. In a way, I feel like a complete idiot to have let my guard down and give him that power he had before. The power to hurt me again and again. In another way, it was something I felt, I had to do, to prove to myself that I did absolutely everything in my power to give it a chance. Of course, (and I say "of course" because most people will understand this) in no way does this mean I'm on the market, or interested in dating anyone, or wish to talk to anyone about eventually dating them. It's not an invitation to opening any doors to any part of a past I've left behind. It just means, what it means, that my current relationship is bunk and has been for some number of years and it's not in my power to change it.
So.... what in the world is this orchid about? By now, I'm jaded. The orchid, though, is about only letting myself get jaded to a certain point. If being jaded protects me from investing in a load of bull, it's working to my benefit. If it keeps me from being happy and open, it's too much. It's all about playing my cards close to my chest. My mom used to say, "You wear your heart on your sleeve," and it was very true. I've always been very open and artless, honest and trusting. I don't want to completely lose those things about myself, but at the same time, not everyone deserves to see that side of me. That is a difficult lesson to learn, and it doesn't come easy to put it into practice. Thus, the outward symbol of that is embodied in my pretty little potted blooms.
On a more knitterly note, my Knit Picks order arrived a couple of days ago, and here it is.
Harmony interchangeable needles that beg me to pick them up and start using them.
The yarn for the coolest hat and mittens,
and the pattern for them.
Yaayness! Maybe there will be knitting in my future after all.
