Thursday, June 24, 2010

Still Not Knitting

Don't know why. Don't know what I want to do instead. Don't know what I AM doing instead. Don't know what I want to knit. It's more like, I know what I don't want to knit, and that is everything I've planned to knit. I want something easy, different and practical.

It's hot, really hot, OVEN like, outside. I've had a migraine off and on for 7 days now. Even so, I've been in a good mood (well mostly). We have a largish kid pool that we have managed to bring back from the brink of stagnant pond to useable. (didn't know that was even possible)

Also, another positive - I'm not nearly SO angry as I was last post. In talking to my therapist about it, he asked me what would it take to get some sort of closure. My answer was, "I'd ask him, 'DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?' " To which he said, "Well the answer is that he was an alcoholic and when a person drinks that much it changes their brain chemistry which changes them into different people."

That's true. It's been driven home as completely true by the unfortunate experience of one of my friends lately. Another terrible story, but not mine to tell. I can say though, that alcohol changed my friend's husband to the point he was unrecognizable and wrecked his life, completely. (and changed her life forever, too) SAD SAD SAD

Of course drugs do the same thing and the combination of both together is especially deadly. It's too bad that so many people on the planet can't stop, or choose not to stop, down that road of self destruction. It's true that stopping isn't a matter of just making up your mind, it's much more of a complex issue. Like being made of iron and having an electromagnet following you around. So, those that have committed to sobriety and made it work, amaze me, and I am very proud of them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if only more people on that road could realize that when they head down self destruction's path, they don't go alone. They bring all the people who ever loved or cared about them right along on a very scary and helpless trip. One of the things I hear over and over and have said over and over is that a person has to make that decision for themself, do it for themself, and not do it for someone else. It's a little bit flawed, that thinking. I understand why a person has to approach it that way, but it's not really like they are an island. Either way they go, they affect others for good or bad. Either way they head, all the relapses, all the pain, the fear, the final end of it all. No one ruins there own life without hurting someone else in the process. No one comes back from the edge of a cliff without someone breathing a sigh of nervous relief.

These words are all words that I can easily apply to myself, too. There are a million ways to hurt yourself and the people who love you. There are hundreds of addictions and self destructive paths out there. But how many people have the courage to stop what they are doing and take responsibility for their actions, and change for the better - for real? Really stop and take an accounting for the havoc, the tears, and the broken hearts. It's a vicious cycle I know the story. Just stop. STOP and breathe and let in the love of all those people and let it carry them through to recovery.

Yes, maybe that's over simplified, I don't know. It's not doctrine I'm preaching here, just my feelings. Sorting through them and figuring them out in my own clumsy way. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sometimes I Even Confuse Myself

How sad is it that it has been SO long that I've posted anything here that I actually forgot my password. Honestly, I don't even remember changing it in the first place. I must have changed it in my sleep or something, because I have NO clue what I changed it to. SAD SAD SAD

At any rate. I haven't done much knitting since I churned out 5 of those headbands in a week. Not sure why, but I really enjoyed that pattern. I changed it up ever time I made it, too. I did one for each little girl in the family and 2 for a baby girl (grandbaby) of one of my favorite buds.

I really thought that I'd be working on some sort of red lace something or other by now. That's the problem with getting really excited about doing something and then not being able to start it during the initial motivation period. (since I had to wait and wait for the yarn to arrive) Once the yarn finally came and I got it all wound into pretty little cakes, I hit a rough spot. The anniversary of the date my dad died cropped up and bit me in the arse and that really sucked.

My problem is, that when some huge horrible thing happens, I completely shut down and go straight into shock. So I just muddle through feeling nothing for between 1 and 3 years, then it all hails down on me all at once. My biggest problem is the personality trait of always wanting to know the why and how and what the HELL of any given issue. In many cases however, there are only facts and figures without a why or how or what the hell, that adds up to anything other than: alcohol and guns don't mix - and depression makes for really stupid choices sometimes - and sometimes things really suck and "live isn't fair, and anyone who tells you differently is selling something"

I know I KNOW, there I go again, making a joke through the tears of reality, laughing at stuff that isn't funny. That's me.

It really doesn't matter why or how it happened, it still really makes me angry. I don't care if he didn't know what he was doing it still pisses me off.

Of course what all of this really boils down to is - I need to be knitting so I can knit and purl my way through it. (non knitters, just so you know, it actually works, so don't point and laugh - okay?)

I'm actually more OK than I sound, sometimes you just hafta vent before the knitting can commence.