Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sometimes I Even Confuse Myself

How sad is it that it has been SO long that I've posted anything here that I actually forgot my password. Honestly, I don't even remember changing it in the first place. I must have changed it in my sleep or something, because I have NO clue what I changed it to. SAD SAD SAD

At any rate. I haven't done much knitting since I churned out 5 of those headbands in a week. Not sure why, but I really enjoyed that pattern. I changed it up ever time I made it, too. I did one for each little girl in the family and 2 for a baby girl (grandbaby) of one of my favorite buds.

I really thought that I'd be working on some sort of red lace something or other by now. That's the problem with getting really excited about doing something and then not being able to start it during the initial motivation period. (since I had to wait and wait for the yarn to arrive) Once the yarn finally came and I got it all wound into pretty little cakes, I hit a rough spot. The anniversary of the date my dad died cropped up and bit me in the arse and that really sucked.

My problem is, that when some huge horrible thing happens, I completely shut down and go straight into shock. So I just muddle through feeling nothing for between 1 and 3 years, then it all hails down on me all at once. My biggest problem is the personality trait of always wanting to know the why and how and what the HELL of any given issue. In many cases however, there are only facts and figures without a why or how or what the hell, that adds up to anything other than: alcohol and guns don't mix - and depression makes for really stupid choices sometimes - and sometimes things really suck and "live isn't fair, and anyone who tells you differently is selling something"

I know I KNOW, there I go again, making a joke through the tears of reality, laughing at stuff that isn't funny. That's me.

It really doesn't matter why or how it happened, it still really makes me angry. I don't care if he didn't know what he was doing it still pisses me off.

Of course what all of this really boils down to is - I need to be knitting so I can knit and purl my way through it. (non knitters, just so you know, it actually works, so don't point and laugh - okay?)

I'm actually more OK than I sound, sometimes you just hafta vent before the knitting can commence.


Chris said...

Hi Aapril--one of the things I was tuaght growing up is that life isn't always fair and that is just the way it is. Now I really did not accept this till I was in my late 30's. I went through a breakdown, depression and even alcoholism. Today i just accept it and try to maintain a grateful attitude. Was it fair that my son died at 21--no--but i cannot change that. Was it fair I got lung cancer--no but I cannot change that either. I just try to stay grateful for what I do have and maintain a grateful attitude through all that happens. I wish I could bring you up here and give you a big hug and I will be praying for you.

janine said...

Hi April,
You are so right about the knitting - it has and still is helping me through various crisis that seem to keep cropping up in my life.
Anothre tip, froma a Yoga teacher friend of mine. Take time - even if just for a few seconds to pause between the in and the out breath. The spilt second when you literlally are not doing anything can really help to still the mind - I though it was a bit wacky, but when things get really bad I do just that, pause if only for a second or 2 and listen to the stillness - hugs

dyedinthewool said...

As Elizabeth Zimmerman said "Knit on, through all things". Well, something like that anyway.

I found the Feather and Fan shawl very meditative to knit. I kept half a brain on it and just let the rest of me drift off.

If you need to unload, you know where I am {{{April}}}

Knitcrazy said...

Glad to see you are back to knitting...
For me knitting keeps me sane.. or so I think I am sane anyway!!!
If I have to wait or take a drs test or something I just try to THINK about what to knit and how to knit it and it keeps my mind (occupied) from other thoughts..
Stay Well and Knit on!!!
Thanks for your comment.. Yes.. We have been waiting a LONG time for "Penny".. WE are all just soooooooooooexcited that the time is finally here.. I will be knitting nervously until they return home from China...
I think about you often April.. I guess because I also have an April :)
XX Pen