Thursday, August 30, 2007

Oh Bla Di Oh Bla Da know the rest. It's really true though, isn't it? Sometimes I just stop and think about how MUCH life goes on and on. The big news, triumph or tragedy of today is soon forgotten and we all go on. I used to do that to myself when I was at a particularly enjoyable event, I'd think to myself, "Ya know, in no time I'll be thinking back on this day from tomorrow or the next day." Yeah, I think too much. OH, and Rebekah, that's another thing we have in common aside from being a tiny bit dramatic and reading too much Jane Austen.(it's never too much) I used to think about how small I was in comparison to Earth and the universe. I used to marvel at the wild unlikely odds that brought me into existence, like - what if a different sperm had gotten to the egg? I would never have come to be, and then I'd think, "Well, then I'd never know the difference anyway, so just be very thankful to have life, because it's amazing I even exist." (and I was VERY young at the time I'm thinking these odd thoughts) I could go on, but from here they get far less intelligent and into the more like fairy tales or science fiction. Oh, you REALLY want to know? Okay, you talked me into it. I used to wonder if I, and the rest of the human race, were tiny little beings living on the big toe of a giant. I tried to warn you, didn't I? Well, it was more like a "What IF I'm a tiny little being living on the big toe of a giant?" sort of thought. Well, if we are, we don't know it. lol

NO, I haven't been knitting. I knew you were going to ask me that. (when did this become a conversation? Oh yeah, it's just another one of those, I need conversation days, so since I can talk to myself.... you get the idea) Anyway, like I just told Pixie, I am procrastinating on finishing the toe, because that means I have to look up kitchener again, because I have issues with remembering how to do it. Actually my youngest, DS3yr told me today, "Mamma, you better finish your neeoodling." (I think that's a word that means knitting that is a cross between knitting and needle with some spaghetti on the side)

There is something I've been thinking about lately. (and by thinking, I don't mean the over thinking, type this time) You see, during this whole, getting better period, I've been wondering when I'll start feeling like my old self again. Well, a couple of days ago, I sort of realized that my old self may not be the goal I should be shooting for. The one that runs myself ragged trying to do everything. The one that over identifies with every person and story and internalizes those emotions. While that me did feel good emotionally, most of the time, clearly there was something unhealthy about how I was dealing with things, or NOT dealing with them, rather. So I realized that it's not the old me I need to get back to. What I need to do is get as healthy as I can get and then get to know the well me, and learn how that feels.

Remember I said I was processing negative stuff and replacing it with the positive? Well, the interesting thing about that process, for me, is that I'm so used to the old negative stuff, that when it's gone, I almost miss it. That's really not the way to say it, but it's the only way I can describe it right now. I don't miss it in the way that I want it back. Let me illustrate what I mean. One of the things that I've been working on processing is anger and resentment. When those things either knowingly or unknowingly take a front seat in your day to day life you start to use them as tools. I'd be angry, so I would go on a cleaning frenzy. Or something of the sort. You get the idea. Well, now I don't have that same adrenaline rush, or whatever, so I feel less dynamic or interesting or something. So it's just a matter of getting used to myself without so much baggage. Something like that.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about today. =)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Finally, Some Progress

Hello everyone! I know it's been a while, but look I actually HAVE been knitting. Not lots and lots, but I am just shy of finishing sock 1. This one fits like a dream, and I have come to like the pooling thing just fine. Of course it went all different once I did the heel and gusset stitches, but it was back to it's odd swirly thing pretty fast.

Now I just have to decide what sort of toe I'm going to do. I think I'll probably do a short row toe, just because... I don't know why. Then again, maybe I'll do the other kind, since this isn't a toe UP sock and I would have to kitchener like 34 stitches instead of what's left at the end of a regular toe, like 12 or 15 or some such number.

I'm in no super big hurry to finish, just knitting when I feel like it. I wonder if the next sock I start will have the same swirly action going on? We'll see!

As for the other stuff going on.... School starts on
Monday. On the one hand, I'm sorta glad for a little extra peace, and on the other hand, I'll miss my nice easy mornings with no deadlines. Getting kiddos up and ready by the time the bus gets here at 6:50 something is... a challenge at times.

The Summer went by pretty fast, as Summers always do, but in way I'm glad. It means I've made it through another season. I'm feeling better all the time, even though I still struggle in some ways. I'm finished with one of my books, but I am still using it since it has a recipe for processing negative emotions and replacing them with positive emotions. It's a good tool for me and it works. I still have things to process, of course, but I'm starting to look at life differently. For example, things that used to rile me lots, don't really quite as much. Getting riled and upset over all sorts of things, which is what I used to do, really accomplishes nothing. I'm starting to be able to hear about and see things without internalizing them or allowing them to make me mad or upset. That's one of the things I learned in group therapy, too, that no one can really MAKE you mad. It's actually our own thoughts and beliefs about whatever happened that gives rise to those emotions, which in turn can lead to negative behaviors in response. But if you can look at a situation as just an event an process it without all the negative emotions you can deal with it much better. Easier said than done, of course, but it's a good place to start. I'm working on it. Is this boring? It's just that if I tell you guys about it, I impress it further on myself.

Did I tell y'all that I met the author to the books I have? I did! When I was on my cruise and was seriously tripped out (no chemicals induced it, just rampant emotional collapse or something) I managed to find her. She was so very nice. She put her arm around me and talked to me for a while and told me I needed her book. (boy was she right about that!) I really wish there was some way I could thank her for that. I tried leaving a comment on her website, but I'm not sure those go to her directly. I hope she knows that she helped me though, it's a really good book for me.

Well, that's about all I have to share at the moment, take care everyone, see ya soon.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Feeling Better

I want to start this particular post by thanking all of you who left comments on my last post. I'm doing lots better now. I've been reading a couple of good books about how to talk to yourself in the positive instead of the negative and it really helps my attitude. I still have lots to learn, but I'm on the right track.

On a lighter note, here is the "so far so good" shot of my sock in progress. I'll be turning the heel next, when I actually pick it up again. Can't read and knit at the same time very well, and I have 2 books to read, well 1 and 2/3's since I've read at least 1/3 of the first book.

I really thought I had more to say, but I guess I didn't! Hmmm.... I must be processing what I've read so far or something. OH well, maybe it'll come to me later.

OH yeah, I found the other balls of this yarn. Where? In the place I keep my sock yarn, duh, I just didn't think it'd be on the bottom for some reason. I probably put it down there to hide it from myself so I wouldn't think about how many times I tried to knit with it on my cruise. Wow just "voicing" and I started clenching my teeth, I think I have some tension about that, ya think? dang -- cleansing breath and let it go. I think I'll go and figure that one out! ttyl!

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Do ya ever...

Do you ever just feel the need to talk to someone and not know who it is you should talk to? That's how I feel today, like if I just had someone to talk to, I'd feel better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not down in the depths of despair, the way I was a few weeks ago. Man, I hope I NEVER go there again, that was SO hard. I felt oddly ok today, but without any drive to DO anything. I hate those days, but at least this time, MOST of the laundry is done. I did knit a little bit, while watching "The Greatest Game Ever Played" or whatever it's called. I really liked it, even though I have no interest in golf. Why is it that the movies about golf are so much more exciting than watching it? So weird.

So here I am, wishing I had someone to talk to and I'm talking to scores of people. (all 15 of my subscribers! lol) maybe there are a few more. Only problem is, that, as much as I love blogging and talking, I really like listening, too, and that is not so much the thing you get from blogging. There is an exchange of sorts, but it's just not quite the same, is it? Blogging today feels a little bit like shouting into a windstorm. Lots of effort going out but no one can hear you. What am I shouting? I don't know, maybe it's just a long loud scream, which would only come across as a whisper. Reaching out into the dark, knowing that no one is there to take your hand. (thinking about spiders)

That sounds a lot more depressing than it really is, I'm not shy about admitting depression. I know I have it sometimes. I don't really feel depressed, I think the problem is that I am feeling NOTHING today, which bothers me. I should know by now that those days are usually those processing days, when so much is going on subconsciously that the conscious gets a little bit scrambled. Anyway, feeling nothing doesn't feel good, that's for sure, which is why I was really glad when I finally cried today. (Thanks GC, if you're reading this, you helped me today)

Well, I guess I'll go back to my processing or whatever it is =) Thanks for listening, everyone.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Curses! Frogged Again.

It had to be done, I also frogged the scarf in progress because I can't find the same yarn anywhere, not even on Ebay. My plan is to start it again on a much thinner scale and see how far I can stretch it.

In the meantime, since I didn't feel like starting the scarf yet, I cast on another sock. I had to let the other yarn rest a bit before I do something else with it. The current sock is... well, I'm not sure how I like the pooling it's doing. I'd really like the brown to be more spread out. I think I'm using a size 2 circ and it would probably be better on a 1, but I'm not sure. I just wanted to be sure that it wouldn't be too tight this time! I'll probably start the heel flap pretty soon, since I don't like my socks to be very high.

I have several small balls of this yarn because there were about 5 knots in the skein, so I just broke it at those places and started new balls. The problem with this is... I can't find the other balls and I'm not sure where to look that I haven't already. I think somewhere there's a cast on part of a sock with the needles still in, but not sure where. OH well, one sock at a time and one day at a time, too. It's mainly a project for my mind anyway, a 'keep me knitting' thing.

Speaking of my mind, I'm doing pretty well. I had a really bad week and then I was much better. Now, I'm just tired. That whole 'not sleeping well' thing came back, and I'm trying to get over it. At least now, I mainly just feel physical consequences (stiff neck and catch in my shoulder blade) instead of all emotional consequences of not sleeping right. It makes a big difference. I'm doing much better about keeping a smile on my face, when I think about it, because even if you have to make yourself smile, the physical act of smiling, even if it's fake at first, releases endorphins in you brain that make you feel happier. (I'm pretty sure I spelled that right, but my computer seems to not know the word and I'm MUCH too lazy to find a dictionary at this point, so bear with me if it's wrong.)

Well, I hope all of you are having a good week! Catch ya later. =)

Oh yeah, the yarn is Neapolitan from Sunshine Yarns
No real pattern, just cast on 68 stitches and started knitting (actually 69 and knit the 1st and last stitch together to join, I always do that)