Thursday, August 30, 2007

Oh Bla Di Oh Bla Da know the rest. It's really true though, isn't it? Sometimes I just stop and think about how MUCH life goes on and on. The big news, triumph or tragedy of today is soon forgotten and we all go on. I used to do that to myself when I was at a particularly enjoyable event, I'd think to myself, "Ya know, in no time I'll be thinking back on this day from tomorrow or the next day." Yeah, I think too much. OH, and Rebekah, that's another thing we have in common aside from being a tiny bit dramatic and reading too much Jane Austen.(it's never too much) I used to think about how small I was in comparison to Earth and the universe. I used to marvel at the wild unlikely odds that brought me into existence, like - what if a different sperm had gotten to the egg? I would never have come to be, and then I'd think, "Well, then I'd never know the difference anyway, so just be very thankful to have life, because it's amazing I even exist." (and I was VERY young at the time I'm thinking these odd thoughts) I could go on, but from here they get far less intelligent and into the more like fairy tales or science fiction. Oh, you REALLY want to know? Okay, you talked me into it. I used to wonder if I, and the rest of the human race, were tiny little beings living on the big toe of a giant. I tried to warn you, didn't I? Well, it was more like a "What IF I'm a tiny little being living on the big toe of a giant?" sort of thought. Well, if we are, we don't know it. lol

NO, I haven't been knitting. I knew you were going to ask me that. (when did this become a conversation? Oh yeah, it's just another one of those, I need conversation days, so since I can talk to myself.... you get the idea) Anyway, like I just told Pixie, I am procrastinating on finishing the toe, because that means I have to look up kitchener again, because I have issues with remembering how to do it. Actually my youngest, DS3yr told me today, "Mamma, you better finish your neeoodling." (I think that's a word that means knitting that is a cross between knitting and needle with some spaghetti on the side)

There is something I've been thinking about lately. (and by thinking, I don't mean the over thinking, type this time) You see, during this whole, getting better period, I've been wondering when I'll start feeling like my old self again. Well, a couple of days ago, I sort of realized that my old self may not be the goal I should be shooting for. The one that runs myself ragged trying to do everything. The one that over identifies with every person and story and internalizes those emotions. While that me did feel good emotionally, most of the time, clearly there was something unhealthy about how I was dealing with things, or NOT dealing with them, rather. So I realized that it's not the old me I need to get back to. What I need to do is get as healthy as I can get and then get to know the well me, and learn how that feels.

Remember I said I was processing negative stuff and replacing it with the positive? Well, the interesting thing about that process, for me, is that I'm so used to the old negative stuff, that when it's gone, I almost miss it. That's really not the way to say it, but it's the only way I can describe it right now. I don't miss it in the way that I want it back. Let me illustrate what I mean. One of the things that I've been working on processing is anger and resentment. When those things either knowingly or unknowingly take a front seat in your day to day life you start to use them as tools. I'd be angry, so I would go on a cleaning frenzy. Or something of the sort. You get the idea. Well, now I don't have that same adrenaline rush, or whatever, so I feel less dynamic or interesting or something. So it's just a matter of getting used to myself without so much baggage. Something like that.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about today. =)

1 comment:

Rebekah said...

Oh that is funny, I used to think that just possibly I was actually a doll and that whatever I was doing, it wasn't really me doing it but angels using invisible strings on me their puppet.

sounds like you have a good idea of what you need to do and where you need to be. keep up the good work.