It's sorta weird how once you take the pressure and expectations out of a relationship, things get better. Not that it changes anything this time, I just think it's interesting in my case. It was really looking like things were going to get ugly, but now it seems more calm and reasonable. Hopefully it'll stay that way.
The thing is, I really hate not knowing what lies ahead. Of course no one ever knows what lies ahead, but when things are mostly normal... you sort of have an idea of where you are headed. I guess that's the thing, not knowing exactly where I'm headed. I'm not worried about finding a job, I can always do that, I have qualifications out the wazzooo. It's all that other stuff. Lots of stuff in the air and I don't have any idea, much less control, over where it all lands.
On Sunday, I drove out to my SIL's house to get my car fixed. (BIL is an amazing mechanic) They happen to live in an area where my dad used to live. The place he had out there holds almost all the good memories I have with him. When he lived there, we (my brother and I) saw him every two weeks. It was really nice, because the rest of the time it was more like every 4 to 6 years. Sometimes it was years between phone calls. Sort of a sickly/sad relationship when I look back, but when he was in Graham, we were good. I was too young to really know the way around out there, but that didn't/doesn't keep me from looking for his house around every turn when I'm driving around.
It was a long long driveway, back to a humble house, with cattle guards at the road, and abandoned chicken house and a horse pasture. Across the road was what I called a mountain, really it was just a very steep and large hill, sort of like a plateau on the top.
Almost all the houses and driveways fit this description, lol. I still don't think I saw it, but one of these days I'd like to go down that driveway again and look at the house, see if there are horses in the pasture, or chickens in the chicken yard. When you don't have a whole lot of great memories about someone or with them, you really tend to cling to whatever good you had. At the same time, the bad memories do surface, but once that person is gone, the bad memories don't hurt as much as you miss them. I'm glad I went through most of those issues already with professional guidance (aka my therapist - I love that guy, in a non gross way, of course - lol)
Anyway, it was weird being out there and knowing I couldn't call my dad to ask him where it was that he lived when he was out there. It's just weird all the way around. The whole situation is pretty weird. Well, he was a pretty weird guy, when you think about it that way, too. Past weird, actually, but I don't really want to focus on that right now.
Well, I'm off to see if I hurt my ankle whilst mowing the yard. Sounds dangerous, but I know if I don't do it, no one will and it will just get worse and worse until the cows come home and start grazing in my yard. Or maybe a goat. That would be bad because a goat would eat my flowers, too. hmmm, so would the cows. I better go mow, then =)
"Keep on keeping on"
.... that's what my dad used to always say.