Thursday, June 5, 2008

Well.... that was a long time

Hey everyone, sorry for the leave of absence. It's one of those long embarrassing stories, so you can be sure I'll be sharing it with y'all pretty soon =)) I ended up back in rehab, this time for about 13 days. It was okay once I finally got there, and I have even more tools to fight my disorder, and better medication, and less stressing about the things (and people/person) who tend to get under my skin and bother me. SO.... it may be a bit, um..... quiet in here for a bit longer. I have the slightest suspicion that I'm being tracked now as to my internet activity. Not 100% sure, but it would be the next logical step in how things have been going. Of course, I have nothing to hide (mostly) hahaha so it's not a super big deal, if there is some sort of key stroke recorder on here, it's just the newest chapter in how things can fall apart when people no longer trust each other. That is, of course if I'm right, and I don't know if I am or not. Just a sneakin suspicion, that's all.

I don't think I ever went into the stories of how I spin out before. Suffice it to say that I've been trying to extricate myself from a certain situation (any guesses?) and the other party has been very resistant. I don't take too kindly to power tripping and 20 questions and play by play what did you do today and how many cents did you spend here and there and what did you buy..... you get the picture (or not, and I can explain it later) Anyway, this sort of behavior is hard for me to cope with and has actually contributed to me have an actual mental illness that I never had until I spun out the first time (January '07) So now I have to admit that I have Bi-Polar disorder (I wonder if the polar bears take offense at that?) I never really wanted to admit it, because it hasn't always been true. I thought that once I healed enough, I'd be the "old me" again. Well apparently the damage has been done, and I HAVE to be medicated now to be SURE I stay stable. This I can handle. I've been medicated for a while, but now it's more simple. One mood stabilizer that also makes me drowsy - JUST right. Sleep and stability.

I wasn't UN-medicated when I spun out this time, the stress had just gotten SO out of hand, and the communication barriers were pretty much insurmountable. Things are civil now, but not right, and I'm pretty sure things will be coming to an end. This is fine with me, I've needed to resolve this issue for a year and a half. It's a bit scary, but I think things will be mostly okay. I feel for those who are going to ultimately be hurt by this situation, but I can't continue to sacrifice my health, sanity and well being to make everyone else happy. I have to take care of ME now (which is what I was thinking I was doing before) and that means major changes in the nearish future.

Oh yeah, I have a wicked sprain on my left ankle that I got in rehab while playing volley ball in shoes that are too lose. I was celebrating a little too hard, because is was an AWESOME game =) It looks much worse than it is, though, bruising like I've never seen bruising before - pretty ugly.

The sprain brings me to my knitting, since I need a long bamboo sock under my 3d boot (which feels WONderful after being messed up for 3 days without one) So I'm going to get trucking on the sock I started. Maybe I'll have a pic or two in a couple of days.

My garden is doing well, I missed the major blooming of the purple roses, there was like 50 blooms! Oh well, back to pruning for next time =)

Take care peoples! ttyl


Kelly O said...

I get to be the first to say welcome home!

Changes are so challenging aren't they? I feel like life has to push us outside out comfort zones so we can grow.

I find my self pushed outside my comfort zones a lot these days, we must have a lot of growing to do!

Pixiepurls said...

so sorry you've had a rough time. Just e-mail if you ever want me to hop on IM :) I do miss our chats!

Chris said...

Sounds like there will still be some changing and rearranging. I think of you often and my hugs will always be with you. You hang in there and you go girl!!!

Renee said...

Welcome back. My most heartfelt best wishes to you. Keep well.

Robin said...

Welcome Home! Hang in there and take good care of YOU!

dyedinthewool said...

I'm sorry that it's come to what it has as regard your situation, but it sounds like you are getting at least some of the right kind of help. Sorry also about the sprain (I know all about those!).
If you manage to get to an internet cafe, feel free to email me (I think I'm a fairly disinterested party who'll take your side!).
Mucho hugs to you and your kids.