Friday, February 6, 2009

Another Episode of How My Mind Spins

Don't you just hate it when you hit those blogging dry spells? Yeah, me too. I think about blogging and then just say - hmmm.... what to say? The same stuff from last time. Still need to take some pictures, still doing good in school - except for one Kinesiology quiz that I totally tanked because my brain was too taken up with thinking about life changing decisions that I completely forgot to study. We start finals again next week. (see same stuff)

I WAS going to take some adorable pictures yesterday, but found my batteries dead. (I really could nearly swear that I JUST put in new batteries, too, hmmm weird) You see near my mom's house there is a little pasture with goats or sheep in it and they all have these tiny little babies that are so cute you can cry. I think they are goats, but since there is some argument amongst my family as to what they are, now I'm doubting myself. lol Their faces are sorta sheepy but I don't see that they have fleece... so I'm confused. Anyway, I'll get pictures of them soonish and you can all decide for yourself as to their genus and species. (all two of you that still read this - hahahaha)

So... wanna know what the heck was so disturbing that I could forget to study for a quiz? Well, here goes, so, it was a Wednesday night. I finally signed a certain paper that was supposed to get things pretty much rolling as to finalizing the divorce, and was met with. "So... what do you think about this, should we really do this or try again to work stuff out?" (Enter panic attack and mass confusion in my head) Yeah, I don't do so good with sudden direction changes out of the clear blue sky, so I cried for, oh probably a week. He's saying how he knows he was this and that and how neglected I was and lots of other stuff too personal to talk about out here in cyber space. There are loads of things he wants to work on, and all these ways he says he will reform, and help me and treat me the way I need etc etc... And of course I'm bawling like a wet baby for SO many reasons. I'm scared either way, honestly, scared to jump out into the world of single motherhood and such, and scared to chance staying. I sorta felt like I had to make a decision of YES or NO pretty fast, and I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I cried and fretted and had a stomach ache and called my therapist for an emergency consult. Ah man, I was a mess, until I figured out that I could say, "I can't decide this just based on the stuff you've said, so, I'm willing to give you time to make good on all the things you've said." What a relief that was! (then I tanked my quiz the same day - blah) So... that's were I am right now, taking it SO slow, which is pretty much opposite my personality, since I usually know exactly what I want and I go for it, but I'm not so much with the confidence right now. At least I can say I don't feel so scared.

So we went on a date on Saturday, and that's sorta where we are starting from. Being friends is easy, we've been that and we get along okay when there's no pressure or expectations and things like that. Now the expectations are coming back into play we'll see how it goes. I'm not jumping into anything before I know what is what. I think part of what had me reeling so much was that I had pretty much made peace with the thought that he never really wanted me the way a guy should want someone they marry - I certainly wasn't treated that way, and I bear some responsibility for letting that happen, obviously when you aren't being treated right you are supposed to say, "This isn't okay, I deserve better and I can find that somewhere else if you don't step up." That's where I should have been in the courtship phase. Instead, that's where I got much later - it's a good place to be when you are courting, but not so nice once you've been married 12 years. Anyway, so once he started talking to me about how much he loves me and wants to treat me how I deserve now and all that stuff, it was very confusing. In one way, it was nice to hear (finally) and in another way, I was thinking "why now?" Honestly, if you had asked me if reconciliation was an option, I would have laughed and said, "NO way!" I guess it's another lesson in: You just don't ever really know how you will react in any given situation until you are IN that situation. (how many times do I have to learn that?)

You want to know what my therapist said? lol - "Well the good thing about this is, you have his attention, and you can train him how to treat you." and "If you DO get through this and work it out, it's possible to be happier than you ever were." and "I prefer to err on the side of preserving the marriage." and "Guys are like puppies, you reward them for the good behavior and smack them on the nose when they are stupid." - I really love that guy, lol (in a healthy way of course - ha) - We'll see how it goes.


Patty said...

Good luck with all of this, April. We're rooting for you!

Chris said...

I just wish you love and happiness--soo much hope that it works for you. I think you deserve the best. hang in there.

Dreams of Yarn said...

Wow, thats awesome. You get a chance to go back to step one and see if you can make it work. Good for you for being brave enough to give yourself that chance. To try to work it out. Its not easy, the easy way out would have been to just close the door. I wish you so much luck no matter how it turns out and I'm rooting for you too.


dyedinthewool said...

Oh, sweetheart - mucho hugs!

It sounds like going back to first principals is a good way to begin. You know where I am if you need to vent (if you want someone unreliable and with a poor memory to vent to, that is!)

Renee said...

Good luck! I hope you get all the happiness you deserve and then some.

Heidi said...

My money's on goat.
I need to get a camera, a nice one.